How to Know if You are Connected to Your Client

Ask yourself:

• How many times have your clients connected back voluntarily?

• How many times did somebody tell you that “I want these sessions to never end because I feel good in these sessions”?

• How many times have your client called you just like that to share or take suggestions?

• Apart from the coaching sessions, how many times have your client made a phone call to you when they faced a downturn?

• How many times have you guided your client over the phone without charging them for that conversation just because that conversation was crucial for him and money is not everything for you?… Read more

“In our time, we workers are being called to re-examine our work; how we do it; whom it is helping or hurting; what it is we do, and what we might be doing if we were to let go of our present work and follow a deeper call.” – Matthew Fox

Imagine radically changing the world without coercing, dominating, or converting. We don’t have to stand in front of a podium, pound our first or shut down our enemies. Sometimes, we don’t even have to use words. Soft revolution starts from within. When we’re heart-connected and rooted in our personal power we can acknowledge the humanity of others by meeting them as equals, without pity or condemnation.… Read more

How do we build awareness of emotions and feelings? Many people are alienated or cut off from their emotional state and struggle to identify their internal reactions. If asked what they’re feeling, they identify their thoughts. Starting a sentence with these words invariably means the speaker is sharing his thinking, not what he is feeling:

• I feel that…
• I feel you…
• I feel as if…
• I feel like…
• I feel she…
• I feel I…

Following the word “feel” immediately with an emotion (internal state) helps people connect. To relieve alienation, you can awaken capacity for experiencing feelings and support emotional awareness by asking:

• What’s your internal reaction?

… Read more

It takes a lot of heart and fierceness to facilitate groups that seek social change. At the root of the French word coeur (heart) is the word courage. It takes courage to sit in the fire with people as they uncover their passion and rage, and rise out of the ashes to co-create a better future. We start by creating a safe place for people to come together to connect across differences and make choices that benefit all of us. I trust that people want to open their hearts to each other, even when they claim they don’t. This is not business as usual, because we engage people at a deep level, using more than just their brains.… Read more

As a coach, I work with plenty of people who have a wicked inner critic. Even people with bold self confidence wrangle with their worst critic—themselves. My co-facilitator Richard Michaels has a client who used to say, “If my assistant talked to me the way I talk to myself, I’d fire her.” With some coaching from a fierce champion, he learned to hold himself more gently.

Instead of judging ourselves for judging ourselves, we can learn to make friends with our inner experience and transform judgments into awareness of our deepest needs. When we judge ourselves, we are expressing an unmet need.… Read more

Transformational social change empowers people to connect with their inner power. Instead of holding power over someone, social change leaders discover that power with others comes from deep connection. Shared power helps us unleash our collective creativity and contribute to human evolution. By connecting with our common values that lay just beneath our conflicting strategies, we can transform ourselves into more loving, peaceful states.

There are hundreds of thousands of social change initiatives. A few that I’m especially inspired by:

• A former mountain climber, Gregg Mortenson brings people together to build schools in Pakistan to alleviate poverty, improve education (especially for girls), and reduce Islamic extremism in the region.

… Read more

Sometimes I get impatient when clients get stuck, but my impatience contributes to the problem. My business partner, Virginia Kellogg, has helped me understand the beauty of resistance. She says:

If we feel ourselves “grinding away” trying to push people through their resistance, we can simply stop and go into the experience of the resistance. Getting really curious about the resistance rather than trying to get people out of the resistance comes from tuning our listening to that energetic stance of “arms out in front, holding something at bay. There is no need to do anything about it, no need to direct them out of it, and no need to rescue them from their resistance.”… Read more

Occasionally our co-facilitator gets triggered, sidetracked or loses connection.  Even our most trusted co-facilitators can have a rough moment or a bad day. Below are some examples of responses to some common situations that arise in co-facilitation.

What do we do when our co-facilitator:

Becomes animated about his own ideas when the participant runs out of ideas? Notice and acknowledge his excitement and ask where the participant is in the process.

Loses the energy of the room by working with a participant who starts the process energized, but by the end of the session looks deflated? Check in with the participant and the group, name observations, and hold space for whatever arises.… Read more

I’ve written way too many proposals. Over the years, I’ve learned never to write a proposal until we already have an oral agreement. The proposal merely validates the agreement.

When someone in an organization asks for a proposal, I used to think that meant they were ready to move forward. It doesn’t. It means they are fishing or blowing me off or considering someone else and using me to show they’ve done their due diligence. I can spend a lot of time writing a great proposal, but unless I have the agreement first, I’m wasting my time. I assert that after you make a strong connection, get in touch with their pain, offer a program that will relieve that pain, and come to an agreement about money and logistics, then you’re ready for the proposal.… Read more

Washing one’s hands of the conflict between the powerful and the powerless means toside with the powerful, not to be neutral. — Paulo Freire 

The term “social conditioning” refers to the ways individuals are taught what is acceptable in social situations. For example, we are taught early on in school not to shout out an answer. Through both negative and positive reinforcement, students learn to raise their hands and wait to be called on before speaking in class. This mini-lesson is transferred from the classroom into other aspects of our lives—in situations where we see something happening that we don’t agree with yet hesitate before sharing our thoughts, or wonder if anyone cares what we have to say about a situation that may not be “any of our business.”… Read more